nuances of being

confusion and stupidity

nothing makes sense anymore, except for the fact that i feel emotionally drained and would rather be alone, plugging away at my work. recently i was told that i was a workaholic and it wasn't until that moment that i realized that i am. isn't that sad? i also was not aware that i defined my success on my ability to juggle numerous engagements and be "busy". because being busy must mean that i'm important... right?

i also realize that i am such a lost person, for i realize that even at my age (not young and not exactly old either) i don't know who i am anymore. after being so involved with so many people (well, so many for me) for the past 6 years, i have never actually had time for me. and it never struck me how important it is to have time for me -- to really cultivate my own sense of interests outside of work, because i've forgotten what that was like. i realize that i never considered the importance of finding someone that i understand and that i appreciate for who they are, i only considered it from my perspective -- finding someone who understands and appreciates me.

perhaps this is a recurring theme in my entries, but that is because in some perverse way, i ignore what is best for me. and what is best for me is to just focus on work, as i would rather like to keep my sanity and not have my eyeballs fall out of my head by the end of the term.

Posted by unknown at 1/25/2008 11:11:00 PM