nuances of being

accmulation

they say that your life is an accumulation of all the parts of people that have participated in shaping your life.

at my wise 'old' age (haha), i have come to realize that i have made many mistakes in the past and that i have been very hard on people without any good reason. i have made mistakes in my judgment. and now, for me, the cost is memory -- the memories that come up and awake in me a concoction of emotions that i can't all name and a sense of pervading sadness that i have tried to bury under indifference.

it has been a little over a year and i feel more lost and alone than ever.

Posted by unknown at 7/12/2008 10:37:00 AM 0 comments

chapter 23

Song: The Scientist - Coldplay

upon reflecting on the events of this past year, i must confess that i am no wiser.
if anything, i have lost faith.

i feel as though i am walking wounded.

Posted by unknown at 7/02/2008 10:09:00 PM 0 comments

adventures

I decided to be totally adventurous today and went on two different rollercoasters. The first one is a pretty standard rollercoaster, going upside down and having one flip, but I remembering walking away and being like... That's it? So of course I went on the 'scariest' ride, the main rollercoaster, which had 4 loops upside-down and my god.. I was so freaking scared during that rollercoaster ride that I was pretty phased for a good 15 minutes afterwards -- I really couldn't walk properly afterwards! I just felt like I was going to fall out of my seat during the ride so many times because it was just a metal bar keeping you in your seat.. I dunno, I was really terrified, but I got over it cos afterwards I decided to do something like a bungee-diving, but not. It was an 100-foot free fall, where I was lifted to the top of the towers and had to pull the own rip cord -- I was so freaking scared while I was being lifted to the top of the towers (I was actually saying to my partner, I think I made a mistake doing this. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Why the fuck did I choose to do this? This is totally a big mistake...) and then when I pulled it... I was so fucking scared! And I was probably the only one who screamed during the entire fall/thing, but it was so exhilarating! And it was really the next best thing to skydiving while on the ground.

It was such a rush... but I don't think I'll do it again. Once is enough!

Posted by unknown at 4/27/2008 12:26:00 AM 0 comments

distance

in writing academically, there is a certain kind of objectivity that one must take. i never realized how hard it would be to write about one's own culture, one's own sense of self -- and then to categorize, dissect and analyze it. which is why i had so much difficulty writing a paper that was (i felt) a summation of all the things that were covered in my majors seminar, living the 'diaspora'. to fully involve myself in an argument that i feel i live and inhabit each day, to answer an argument that i have no conclusive answer to because... i am still trying to figure it out and the process of figuring it out is just as important as the 'answer'. and perhaps there is no 'answer', but simply the lessons that are learnt while i go through the process of understanding myself, my ethnicity, my culture, my experience as someone who is _________. it just makes me to wonder, can we not simply define ourselves by our ancestry and situate ourselves in the places that we have been? can we not simply be satisfied with our experiences? why (the hell) is it so hard to write about ourselves and our own experiences?

---------------------
i realize that i'm the type of person who really enjoys having a list of goals or something to look forward to. though much of my university career has been defined as 'going with the flow', i think that i need to stop. (i feel also that i'm starting to become a broken record through this blog, like i'm a character in a novel who knows what they should do but doesn't do it and frustrates the reader so much they either stop reading or keep reading cos they have this tiny little hope that the character will eventually figure it out, cos it just seems that i'm fixated on certain themes. if you could analyze me like a character in a novel, i bet you would come up with certain themes like "angst", "anxiety about the future", "list-crazy", "obsessive", "melacholic" and my favourite -- "(terribly) sad".)

am i sad? well, i guess so, but i think that i'm just honest about how most feel in my generation -- a little lost, somewhat confused, and pretty anxious, which makes me feel pretty sad and a bit hopeless as i try to figure out my 'path'. whatever the hell it is. (yay q-life crisis.) and so, here is to making lists and being shamelessly indulgent, as every blogger who blogs about themselves tries very hard (not) to be.

-snowshoeing - done and done. would love to do it again.

additions of things to do:
-dogsledding (sidenote: everytime i bring this up someone has to mention the animal cruelty debate. not that i am criticizing people who believe in animal rights or anything, but frankly, i think there are much bigger problems to worry about than just one singular cause like animal rights. it's rather easy and simple to say, 'don't club baby seals' because yes, those baby seals are so g-damn cute. and isn't it really easy to just take a side without really examining all perspectives on the issue? anyway, i just think that if you really think about it, animal rights is linked to other broader issues, like political instability, the environment/climate change and economics. in order to 'save the animals', one must look at a broader approach than just save the seals cos they're cute.)
-biking
-getting fit (must do cardio)

Posted by unknown at 4/16/2008 11:34:00 PM 0 comments

check

so the summer plans are going to have to be revised. i am probably going to be moving again within the next few months. sigh!

i feel so torn -- i want to settle and stay in one place but at the same time i don't want to..

i don't know why, but this song is stuck in my head..

Sara Bareilles - Love Song

Head under water
And you tell me
To breathe easy for awhile
The breathing gets harder
Even I know that
Made room for me
It's too soon to see
If I'm happy in your hands
I'm unusually hard to hold on to

Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well but you make this hard on me

I'm not gonna write you a love song
Cause you ask for it
Cause you need one
You see, I'm not gonna write you a long song
Cause you tell me it's make or breakin' this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leavin'
I'm gonna need a better reason
To write you a love song
Today
Today..

I learnt the hard way
That they all say
Things you wanna hear
My heavy heart sinks deep down under
You and Your twisted words
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry

Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am

I'm not gonna write you a love song
Cause you asked for it
Cause you need one
You see, I'm not gonna write you a love song
Cause you tell me it's make or breakin' this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leavin'
I'm gonna need a better reason
To write you a love song today

Promise me
You'll leave the light on
To help me see
The daylight my guide, gone
Cause I believe
There's a way
You can love me
Because I say

I won't write you a love song
Cause you ask for it
Cause you need one
You see, I'm not gonna write you a love song
Cause you tell me it's make or breakin' this
Is that why you wanted a love song?
Cause you asked for it
Cause you need one
You see I'm not gonna write you a love song
Cause you tell me it's make or breakin this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If your heart is nowhere in it
I don't want it for a minute
Babe, I walk the seven seas
When I believe that there's a reason to write you a love song
Today.
Today..

Posted by unknown at 4/03/2008 12:31:00 AM 0 comments